Mittwoch, 20. August 2014
When you hit the bottom the only way is up
linas, 22:48h
Originally I had thought I was being miserable when I was spending a meant to be "party night" at a friends place at the bathroom floor, throwing up until 5am. (I would love to say I was at a super party and drunk, but it was just a food poisoning). But truth is I really hit the bottom just 2 weeks later when I crashed at a London business hotel at breakfast, when my body and soul just seemed to have decided - the party as celebrated so far, is over.
I work in a demanding, international business- love my job, love the travels. But sometimes traveling - especially when it comes that far, that you cant remember where you have been in the last weeks, can become too much. Traveling for work can be fun, but it also means you still have to do your desk work- and if it means working on planes, at airports (5 am on the notebook at the gates anyone?), night-shifts in the hotel room (of course WIFI always not working properly when you need it)- the "great locations you travel to" become a colorless fast forward button. This in combination with a partner, who decided 6 months earlier (after more than 10 years together), that children are suddenly out of his mind and not being sure anymore there will be a future for us as a couple- ouch. Seemed I thought I had endless energy- and went on with my busy life as always. Playing the happy girl to the outside world - working on like hell, partying with friends all over Europe, managing a move into a new flat, .... I was sure I was good and strong. Only that my health became a bit fragile made me wonder. But as I didn't have lots of time to worry about it- I just kept going and going and going. Until I had to realize at the pretty 5 Star hotel, that something was terribly wrong. Walking like a drunken sailor on my high heels, not seeing the breakfast table sharply and suddenly crying like hell- exactly the theater all other guests were longing for for their breakfast entertainment.
Following a doc consultancy and a few tests, I got a 2 weeks sick certificate to reload my batteries. Free time, something I wasn't used to. Being "sick" at home was always a challenge- and usually meant I was simply working from home at lower speed. Now I had to face I was an overworked, exhausted, deeply sad, hurt and disappointed "little mouse". Even too tired to watch TV or speak to friends the first days. I just slept, cried and ate. I tried to eat good (tons of greens and fruit), but ended up in chocolate and candy (maybe the needed serotonin highs).
After a few days recovery and a business consulting, I started to analyze what had gone wrong. Some points are obvious I guess: if you work hard, you need time to recover. If somebody hurts you, you have to face it, grief and be good to yourself. Especially if this is the person, you thought you were aligned to start a family within the next 12 months, your "all life long" partner, you were once proud and happy to marry. Your home. And suddenly the one that sees a divorce attorney, while playing in front of friends and me "happily married couple with just a small crisis". But I had done the opposite - I was good to others, not taking care of myself. And this is what I suddenly realized during all the grief, exhaustion and anger- it can only get up. My job as it is might be too demanding, my private life plans might be destroyed with this partner and my physical and psychological health might have been better. But: it cannot get worse. My life as it was planned, might not happen, but maybe there is something and someone unexpected waiting for me somewhere in the (okay hopefully near) future, that will lead to a better, happier, healthier life! I love the quote "just when the caterpillar thought the world is over, it became a butterfly". I will take this as my attitude for the next months. And now work on the transition!
I work in a demanding, international business- love my job, love the travels. But sometimes traveling - especially when it comes that far, that you cant remember where you have been in the last weeks, can become too much. Traveling for work can be fun, but it also means you still have to do your desk work- and if it means working on planes, at airports (5 am on the notebook at the gates anyone?), night-shifts in the hotel room (of course WIFI always not working properly when you need it)- the "great locations you travel to" become a colorless fast forward button. This in combination with a partner, who decided 6 months earlier (after more than 10 years together), that children are suddenly out of his mind and not being sure anymore there will be a future for us as a couple- ouch. Seemed I thought I had endless energy- and went on with my busy life as always. Playing the happy girl to the outside world - working on like hell, partying with friends all over Europe, managing a move into a new flat, .... I was sure I was good and strong. Only that my health became a bit fragile made me wonder. But as I didn't have lots of time to worry about it- I just kept going and going and going. Until I had to realize at the pretty 5 Star hotel, that something was terribly wrong. Walking like a drunken sailor on my high heels, not seeing the breakfast table sharply and suddenly crying like hell- exactly the theater all other guests were longing for for their breakfast entertainment.
Following a doc consultancy and a few tests, I got a 2 weeks sick certificate to reload my batteries. Free time, something I wasn't used to. Being "sick" at home was always a challenge- and usually meant I was simply working from home at lower speed. Now I had to face I was an overworked, exhausted, deeply sad, hurt and disappointed "little mouse". Even too tired to watch TV or speak to friends the first days. I just slept, cried and ate. I tried to eat good (tons of greens and fruit), but ended up in chocolate and candy (maybe the needed serotonin highs).
After a few days recovery and a business consulting, I started to analyze what had gone wrong. Some points are obvious I guess: if you work hard, you need time to recover. If somebody hurts you, you have to face it, grief and be good to yourself. Especially if this is the person, you thought you were aligned to start a family within the next 12 months, your "all life long" partner, you were once proud and happy to marry. Your home. And suddenly the one that sees a divorce attorney, while playing in front of friends and me "happily married couple with just a small crisis". But I had done the opposite - I was good to others, not taking care of myself. And this is what I suddenly realized during all the grief, exhaustion and anger- it can only get up. My job as it is might be too demanding, my private life plans might be destroyed with this partner and my physical and psychological health might have been better. But: it cannot get worse. My life as it was planned, might not happen, but maybe there is something and someone unexpected waiting for me somewhere in the (okay hopefully near) future, that will lead to a better, happier, healthier life! I love the quote "just when the caterpillar thought the world is over, it became a butterfly". I will take this as my attitude for the next months. And now work on the transition!
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blaura,
Donnerstag, 21. August 2014, 12:32 AM
braveheart
I am just so proud of you!!! You are completely stepping out of your comfort zone - but you can always relay on your huge heart which can now also be brave ;) and you will gain sooooo much love, surprise and yourself!
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