Life is a rollercoaster

One hundred failed might have been flings, affairs, relationships and love stories I heard about in the last years. And a few good ones. The failed ones always have one thing in common. If it doesn't take off properly from the start in terms of full conviction- there is usually a very good reason. Either one part is not really a single (but of course telling so), not really willing to bond, not honestly considering leaving the current partner or a mind-f*** freak. Every time there are doubts, there is usually sooner or later an "Alice in wonderland" experience. Why is it so difficult for people to be honest with each other? Why can people not say right from the start what they are looking for? We are grown up people, pretend to be open minded and reflected. Why is it then so difficult to communicate honestly? Do all women/ men want to hear the "Cinderella looking for Prince Charming" story? I don't believe it. I do believe there is a partner for every wish somewhere out there and we all could safe time, tears and reflections if we just speak out what we want.

I am not good in letting go – especially with people. Why? Because if I let people step into my life, they mean something to me. It doesn't mean they have to be loved ones, but there is always a reason, why I attach to them. They can be great colleagues, friends, neighbors… I appreciate them for something special, they bring with them. New attitudes, hobbies, recipes… There is always something new and interesting and if it clicks and I open up, I don’t want to lose them again. Same with plans: when I have been investing my time and passion- why to give up if the target is in sight?

And of course with a partner, it is even worse. The “one” is my home, my best friend, my love affair, part of my past, present and – what I thought- future. How to tell a heart, that the one who is no longer the future, was just a present on loan? Where all the bonding, that happened over years, is suddenly frozen, fading away? That all the dreams, dreamed together, become an illusion- never reality? That all the feelings, time, efforts invested are no longer valid? Going through grief is a nightmare. Even with great friends and family- you are always the one to feel the sadness, disappointment, loneliness, anger. This is something no one can take away from you. I for my part- if there was a business offer to take over the hurt feelings part – would pay a lot of money to avoid it!

But the good news is: in the moment you start to let go (what doesn’t automatically mean you no longer grief), you are opening up to something new. Everything you have been holding on for means as well you haven’t had your hands, mind or heart free to receive something else. I was always too busy with my daily life agenda, to even re-consider my plans, my actions, other options. And now, there is suddenly (of course forced) a million options, what to do in the future. First it is intimidating- so much open space, the lost path. But suddenly, it starts to become interesting and fun. Time to reconsider personal plans, behaviors, dreams. And to open up for new experiences. You cannot plan it, it is just something that is happening when you expect it the least. While you are still hanging on the past, there are suddenly again first bright moments of happiness, that make you believe in a happy future. You are becoming curious on new ideas that might be totally different from what you have been valuing so far. And I guess this is the way of healing, re-gaining curiosity in life. So for me at least, this is simply wonderful and unbelievably calming- that an end means a new beginning and new beginnings equal new ideas, new energy, excitement and surprises. Bring it on!

Originally I had thought I was being miserable when I was spending a meant to be "party night" at a friends place at the bathroom floor, throwing up until 5am. (I would love to say I was at a super party and drunk, but it was just a food poisoning). But truth is I really hit the bottom just 2 weeks later when I crashed at a London business hotel at breakfast, when my body and soul just seemed to have decided - the party as celebrated so far, is over.

I work in a demanding, international business- love my job, love the travels. But sometimes traveling - especially when it comes that far, that you cant remember where you have been in the last weeks, can become too much. Traveling for work can be fun, but it also means you still have to do your desk work- and if it means working on planes, at airports (5 am on the notebook at the gates anyone?), night-shifts in the hotel room (of course WIFI always not working properly when you need it)- the "great locations you travel to" become a colorless fast forward button. This in combination with a partner, who decided 6 months earlier (after more than 10 years together), that children are suddenly out of his mind and not being sure anymore there will be a future for us as a couple- ouch. Seemed I thought I had endless energy- and went on with my busy life as always. Playing the happy girl to the outside world - working on like hell, partying with friends all over Europe, managing a move into a new flat, .... I was sure I was good and strong. Only that my health became a bit fragile made me wonder. But as I didn't have lots of time to worry about it- I just kept going and going and going. Until I had to realize at the pretty 5 Star hotel, that something was terribly wrong. Walking like a drunken sailor on my high heels, not seeing the breakfast table sharply and suddenly crying like hell- exactly the theater all other guests were longing for for their breakfast entertainment.

Following a doc consultancy and a few tests, I got a 2 weeks sick certificate to reload my batteries. Free time, something I wasn't used to. Being "sick" at home was always a challenge- and usually meant I was simply working from home at lower speed. Now I had to face I was an overworked, exhausted, deeply sad, hurt and disappointed "little mouse". Even too tired to watch TV or speak to friends the first days. I just slept, cried and ate. I tried to eat good (tons of greens and fruit), but ended up in chocolate and candy (maybe the needed serotonin highs).

After a few days recovery and a business consulting, I started to analyze what had gone wrong. Some points are obvious I guess: if you work hard, you need time to recover. If somebody hurts you, you have to face it, grief and be good to yourself. Especially if this is the person, you thought you were aligned to start a family within the next 12 months, your "all life long" partner, you were once proud and happy to marry. Your home. And suddenly the one that sees a divorce attorney, while playing in front of friends and me "happily married couple with just a small crisis". But I had done the opposite - I was good to others, not taking care of myself. And this is what I suddenly realized during all the grief, exhaustion and anger- it can only get up. My job as it is might be too demanding, my private life plans might be destroyed with this partner and my physical and psychological health might have been better. But: it cannot get worse. My life as it was planned, might not happen, but maybe there is something and someone unexpected waiting for me somewhere in the (okay hopefully near) future, that will lead to a better, happier, healthier life! I love the quote "just when the caterpillar thought the world is over, it became a butterfly". I will take this as my attitude for the next months. And now work on the transition!